domestic invasion
by smartalker
Summary: Lucy is somewhat less than pleased. Actually, Lucy is going to kill every last one of them, and slowly. Especially Gray, who took over her shower.


**Prompt**: Squeaky rubber duckies.  
**A/N**: This isn't funny, Keely. It's _three in the morning_. Fiend!

**Domestic Invasion**

One day, in a land far, far away, a young maiden gave out a startled cry. Her name was Lucy; a beautiful mage of blossoming talent, and exactly what she had said shall be omitted with regards to the reader's sensitivity.

For Lucy, dear reader, had just realized that nine times out of ten, she always knew exactly where to find her dearest, soon-to-be-murdered-friends. And this location, it just so happened, was Lucy's house.

They were over so often, in fact, that Lucy had begun to suspect they might be homeless.

"Oh, hi Lucy." Gray said idly as she opened the door. Lucy stared at him—and then squeaked. She slammed the door shut, burning crimson.

"GRAY!"

"What?" the boy whined from the other side of the door, and Lucy seethed. _He_ should be the one getting flustered—not _her_!

"Why are you in my shower!?" she jerked on her hair in utter aggravation. Using her toilet was one thing—but walking into her house, _when she wasn't even home_, and totally taking over the bathroom?

"This is your shower?" Gray blurted out, startled. Lucy ground her teeth, and was just about to make some scathing retort when a distinct smashing noise came from the kitchen.

Spinning on her heel, she raced into the other room, already dreading the worst. Erza held the remains of a cracked plate in her hand, the other half shattered on the floor, around a moaning Natsu.

"Lucy!" Happy cried merrily in greeting, "I made you a sandwich!" He beamed, evidently highly pleased with himself, and brandished what seemed to be the scrapings from the bottom of her refrigerator. Numbed, she opened the vacuum door. Of course—completely empty.

"L-Lucy." Erza was trying to hide the broken plate behind her back and failing, "You're…home early."

Lucy glared.

"He—he head butted your plate!" Erza pointed at Natsu, who was now struggling to sit up. Natsu blinked fuzzily, then grinned when he caught sight of Lucy. Or at least, Lucy's legs.

"Hi, Lucy!"

Lucy took a moment to massage her temples and otherwise compose herself. It wouldn't do to damage her home when she utterly obliterated them.

"Dammit, we're out of pickles," Loki mumbled, and withdrew his head from her fridge. One hand had already found its way about her waist, and even Lucy had to pause and admit that such slick womanizing was rather impressive.

"YOU!" she screeched, and pointed wildly, "I thought I told you to stay on the astral plane!"

"I missed you," Loki whined, and attempted to embrace her. Lucy dodged wildly, and Loki ended up colliding with her microwave. Natsu seemed to find this highly entertaining.

Lucy's Aura Of Death intensified ever so slightly.

Loki had apparently just noticed the state of absolute chaos he had materialized into, and was making an obvious hasty retreat. "Er, well, I guess I'll just go buy some more pickles…"

Erza lunged, "_Take me with you_."

Whatever Loki was about to say was cut off by Gray's shriek of terror. Robotically, Lucy swiveled back towards her bathroom, lips pressed into a tight line. Loki took the opportunity to flee out the back window, and Erza was quick to follow.

"Lucy's in a bad mood," Natsu noted blithely. Happy nodded seriously.

"Aye."

"I'll show you _bad mood_," Lucy hissed, but her look of indescribable fury was ruined when Gray sprinted through her kitchen, wearing nothing more than a towel.

"The—" he stuttered, looking almost apologetic, "The situation is under control!"

"What situation?" Lucy inquired icily, and even Natsu looked a bit spooked.

Happy munched, greatly amused as Gray broke out into a cold sweat.

"The—uh. A little man ran by and broke your shower."

Lucy stared at him. Gray laughed nervously. "B-but on the bight side, I managed to freeze the water so it'd stop spurting everywhere?"

Lucy's eyes narrowed dangerously. Several miles away, Erza shivered.

"What did you do?" she snarled, and Gray looked at Natsu in a panic.

"It—it was him!"

"I only broke the T.V.!" Natsu protested with righteous indignation. Lucy filtered that thought away and resolved to deal with it at another time.

"_Gray_," she prompted.

Resigned, the older boy slumped, "I—I'm sorry. I slipped on the rubber ducky."

Natsu exploded with laughter. Literally. The ceiling caught on fire.

"THAT IS _IT!_" Lucy roared, sheer volume somehow blowing the inferno out, "I AM _SO_ CHARGING YOU GUYS RENT!"


End file.
